Why do I have to struggle for everything?
Why do I have to stress before I get my bills paid or have the money I need for certain things?
Why won’t you just listen to my prayers?
Why have you decided to just turn a deaf ear like I do not matter…
These and many more questions I have asked in the past… (and maybe you have too)
With a heart full of pain and sadness. I have cried and prayed and asked for signs.
But nothing seem to come.
This has been an on and off movement in my life.
Sometimes, I struggle to put on a smile, be happy, do my work even though I am not really getting the same measure of rewards.
It’s been like this on the inside for as long as I can remember.
But recently, I felt this deep urge that I had lost track of myself and neglected my source.
I mean as someone born into the Jehovah’s Witness doctrine I have heard so much about God.
And even from other people who call themselves Christians.
And everything I have heard of God, just made me hate him and find myself detaching from him.
For how can a man who says he is love be this cruel, psychopathic and such a destroyer?
Musings with God by GoddessJhay
How can he be so evil and kill hundred and millions of people out of rage, jealousy and so much bitterness of a Tyrant who doesn’t get what he wants?
If he truly gave us free will, why does he still thinks humans need to go to hell for choosing that which he already chose for them?
In fact! Hell? How can one find pleasure in knowing he put some people in a place to burn for all eternity?
Such a joke and evil concept.
My childhood thoughts were filled with rage and disgust towards him.
I would go to the Kingdom Hall then with my parents but I was never there. I would sleep or be very irritated especially when I see one of the ministers who are sinning heavily (according to their idea of sin) still comes to the pulpit to judge others.
This must be a joke. So this so called God, really do use people who do the very things they say he will burn some people for to judge others who do it so openly?
My head was a mess. Yet I couldn’t dare express this mess to my parents or any of my folks.
So I had to learn to go and grow through it on my own.
At age 17, I stopped reading the Bible. I was now far from home in Uni (OAU) and so I had a sense of freedom and a new level of curiosity.
In all of those years of detaching myself from the concept of God that I knew. I have picked up several other concept of God from other spiritual gurus, and speakers.
But… I still did feel something wasn’t entirely right…
But I did know I was beginning to circling back and really remembering pieces of myself that started making me feel a tad closer to God and finding the real him.
I started slowly releasing the rage and hate too and soon found myself seeking so badly the idea of love.
I realized every time I acted out of genuine love, I felt this incredible burst of energy and power.
And when I create or do anything with that energy, it always brings me this grand sense of joy and blessings.
To ingrain that within me, I got a tattoo that says “I am Love” just right in my heart space under my breasts.
I definitely know now, I didn’t get this tattoo on my own accord. Some sort of spirit led me to it.
My story of hating God really isn’t why I am writing this, but I needed you to understand where I come from, maybe you resonate or not.
But read on as I am about to shock you and also share something that will completely change your life and how you see yourself and God.
For how we see ourselves is how we see and relate with God and how we see God is how we inevitably see ourselves.
I have never been the one to pray. In fact I think I don’t know how to. I have learnt as a JW that there is only one certain way to pray.
A way that has always conflicted with me. Each time I start, I feel this resistance and like a robot.
No flow and such rigidity.
And so I never really prayed as an adult but I know I did beg and get angry asking a lot.
“God please… give me this and this” “oh God why don’t you ever listen”
I actually did think it was because I had sinned so much, gone far away from him and so he is punishing me.
Well… so typical of him… isn’t that what he did throughout the Bible. I would say.
And it pushed me farther away.
Then the woke spiritual trend started and I caught it.
I tried candles, incense and everything I could lay my hands on. Even substituted the name “God” for spirit. (If only I knew I was still literally talking to the same person. But spirit makes it feel a bit personal)
And it does make sense. For I am realizing that I really am Spirit. Formed out of nothing but given a physical experience for something. (Does that make sense?).
To be honest, those things worked for me. They really changed so much about my life.
And then guess what?
Something happened to me, that forced me to stop all of that for a long time.
And in that moment I realized something…
While those things are materials and tools created by God to help humans manipulate the energy around us.
We do not need them to connect to the power within us.
We have this incredible power that can literally make anything happen. But we lack the understanding of it so it doesn’t serve us.
But I still didn’t get it… until last night. (Is that weird?)
I have always felt God never answers me or he isn’t listening. Meanwhile he has been all along and he has literally been sending me signs, guiding my every move and he has been like a hawk gawking over my head.
I just didn’t see it because I had a certain expectation. (Which is why expectations can be dangerous. They block your inner eyes)
The last experience and outburst I think changed everything for me.
I do know that this time, the outburst didn’t come from rage, or anger or manipulation.
It came from a pure need and a genuine intense desire and cry for help.
As I sat down on my meditation mat with tears not just in my eyes but also in my soul. A sense of heaviness and a knowing that “I cannot do anymore of this on my own and try to control every damn thing”.
I am having to deal with catering for my father’s health, my brother is experiencing the most painful mental experience anyone could right now, I am having to be strong for my already tired mum, and my own health problems have been crawling so bad in my face. I have literally spent everything I have saved under this sun on my family and my own health. And the worse, I am beginning to feel so conflicted with my career.
I never show to the world that I am in such a deep mess or how messy my life is right now.
I always try to out a smile on, and be as joyful as I can be.
*** Because In truth, I am Joy. I can’t stay unhappy for long or be mad at someone or something for long even if I wanted to) my mum always tells me something told her to call me Joy while she was pushing for me and also because she had so many challenges while pregnant with me, the only thing that kept her going was how she felt on the inside. “Joyful. ***
But on this day, I just had it to my full and my soul couldn’t keep up with the lie. I needed help and not just any help. A divine one to cleanse me off and purge me.
So as I sat in tears… I couldn’t pray, all I could do was ask!
Ask God to help me.
“Help me! Help me! I don’t know how to do this anymore! If you are ever listening at all! You just have to help me because I am loosing it all”
And something was different this time too, I was really looking and waiting for someone to really show up and answer me.
I mean I knew God wouldn’t probably come down in no physical form. But a part of me just knew I was ready for that help and so I was waiting.
And guess what my friend?
It came! Maybe not how I was expecting (because I don’t think I was even expecting) but it did.
First, a friend calls me out of the bloom, and wanted to connect. We play. (I mean have sex and explore)
And I knew I needed to definitely get fucked real good. And so I wasn’t going to pass that off.
We met and I didn’t just reignite this new sense of faith and openness to God. I had a very intimate sexual experience that felt like a deep cleanse.
For 7hours before we even had sex, we talked about God, who he is and everything he has given us power for.
And then the craziest wildest one happened.
DJ, (my Partner) sent me this audio book about a man’s experience with talking to God and finding his own path.
I listened for just 2hours and I could literally feel like God was in front of me talking to me.
I could hear back everything I had just said to DJ prior to the audio while we were still chatting early about what he thinks about God in the moment. (I couldn’t even believe I was the one advocating for God now😂) as DJ talked about everything I had also had to go through in the past.
And then the very last remarkable thing happened which is the gift I think I am meant to pass on to you in this moment.
I woke up from bed, and again, asked this question in my head.
“So if you really talk to other people like you did with the man in that book I listened to last night, how come you don’t ever answer me when I ask for something?”
And the following thoughts that came into my head were just unbelievable, I could know this definitely wasn’t me and it also didn’t come from what I listened to last night.
It was as another entity has taken up a voice Inside of my own thoughts.
I had to pick up my phone the moment I realized what was happening to convey those thoughts.
And just as I finished writing all that, my mum called to give me of a report of the new test my brother had to do and the cost. And as I opened my mouth to tell her God will do it and so many other things.
She was happy. Happy because she thought I had started reading “The daily text” (the daily text is a Jehovah’s Witness version of Morning Devotion)
No, but why ask I responded.
And she says, because everything you just said to me is what we just read this morning. almost word for word. (That scared me now cos it looks like a different level of psychic knowing has been unlocked within me). Plus these thoughts?
Well… I’ll leave you to read this thoughts -word for word and grab everything you need to grab. And I’ll also love to know if this resonates and how you have been navigating this journey to finding God and yourself.
“The reason you still aren’t getting what you want is because you still don’t know how to ask.
You do not understand the power I have placed on you.
You do not know the grace I have given you.
You beg, you supplicate, you hope.
You doubt my promises, and you think you are not worthy of that promise.
For have I not said.
“For whatever you so desire, to ask and it shall be given?”
So why do you continue to wish you had this and that?
Why do you continue to hope that this and that happens ?
Why do you keep asking for the same thing over and over again as if you think I didn’t hear you the first time?
Why do you doubt your own worth and that you deserve your very own birthright?
You are my reflection. You exist so that I might live.
You exist so that I might experience and see myself through you.
Do you not understand what that means?
Do you not understand what power that is?
I do not make anything new happen that I haven’t made happen already.
I have you sorted and all you need do is ask!
Do you not go into the bank with confidence that you will receive your money, because you know it’s yours?
So why do you come to me with so much lack of confidence?
Do you not realize the power I have given you?
To make happen that wish you so desire?
To create that which you want to experience?
I do not create anything anymore.
For everything that I need, I have created.
I have no need to create anything anymore.
I created you, because I wanted to experience myself.
I was all that was, and so I was nothing. And so I formed you from nothing so I can experience something.
I formed you “what wasn’t so that I might give life to what is.
And now, you are all there is.
I do not have need for anything anymore.
I have given myself to you.
To become the creator.
And I did not leave you without nothing. For I already made you something.
I have given you my power of creation, all I do is to observe how you use it.
Yet you do not know that you are in a constant state of creating.
It is your default setting .
You are always creating. Both by what you do and what you do not. What you say and what you do not. What you think and by the very deep innermost thoughts of your thoughts.
You doubt me because you do not believe in my words. You do not believe in me.
You believe in what others say or tell you about me, but you do not take my own word for it.
You forget who you are and why you are here because you let others tell you about me.
You let others tell you about you.
You forget you are in my image. Not necessarily my physical form.
For I have no form.
I am that I am and I am all there is.
But you are in my image, for I made you from the very essence of myself.
My very own power and pneuma (breath).
It’s time for you to come back to me.
For you do not know what you think you know about me.
I exist because you exist, and I exist within you.
If I created you so I might experience myself. So I might experience what was…
What then do you think you purpose is?
Experience my child.
Your soul is my very essence and it only knows
Joy, Truth & Love.
my 3 pillars of creation and being.
For this is the very pillar your soul’s essence is made of.
Your purpose is to experience your soul’s essence to the full.
You have all you need.
You do not need to beg.
You only have to ask.
If you ever feel confused and ridden by all the noise and voices that claim to be of me…
Know that you only have to ask of me to reveal myself to you and be open to listening and observing how I reveal myself.
For I am always showing up for you, in every way and in every form. You only have to open up to see, hear and feel me.
You keep getting in a constant state of confusion because you keep locking yourself on to just my words.
The word of God, the word of God they say.
For haven’t you heard I do not communicate in words?
I still said that to you last night, but I’ll say it again.
I do not communicate in words.
For words are the most un-reliable and easily distorted form of communication.
I however do communicate in thoughts, and most especially in feelings.
How does it make you feel?
Is it love? Or is it Fear?
Love is all there is… because I am all there is.
Fear is not of me.
How does your thought make you feel?
Joyful or confused and uncertain?
Your highest thought is that of Joy.
Follow the pattern and follow the feelings.
When you follow the feelings, it becomes easy to listen and see the other ways that I am communicating to you.
So when you ask that I reveal myself… do not be fixated on a form you think I should.
For with me there is no should and shouldn’t. Only what is.
And I will form myself in anyway I choose to.
The same choice and free will is what I have given you.
To experience and create whatever you desire in your reality.
And I do not control your free will.
It is your will… And your will is my will.
For I created you so I might experience myself.
As what is and what is not.
So my child, do not be confused anymore, and do not fear.
Listen to your heart.
For it is here, I have buried my deepest treasure. My very own essence of myself and the very code to unlock it.
👉Follow your feelings and honor them for they will tell you what words can never.
👉Breath often, so that you might reconnect to my essence.
👉Love deeply and unconditionally because Love is all there is.
Fear is the opposite of Love. Fear distorts, fear conceals, fear closes up, fear thinks it needs conditions to feel safe, fear judges, fear shames, fear obsesses, fear controls.
But Love frees, love opens up, Love surrenders, love trusts, love has no conditions and love is your very essence.
Fearful people creates an idea of what is right and what is wrong.
But as long as it comes from a place of Love, you can never do wrong.”
Just as I heard God talk through that man’s audio book “How do you know you have found if you haven’t ever lost?”
So I’ll say, Sometimes, you have to lose everything so you can find something new. And the easiest way to block yourself from finding that which you seek, is to hold on to that which you think you know or have built.
The Spirit of God is always leading us towards dropping illusions and lies and it’s only natural for everything we have built based on “what is not our truth” which inevitably is a lie to fall off and shed itself one way or the other.
The most painful thing you can do to yourself and will cause you suffering is hold on so tight to the past out of fear of the unknown.
Our hearts will never lead us astray, because it is where God lives and why he encourages us to safeguard it. It is where the essence of Love emanates from.
As long as it mirrors unconditional love, and it makes you happy, it definitely comes from your heart and led by your spirit.
You only now need to have faith, surrender and take the leap.
Knowing that whatever you are experiencing, there are no coincidence. So you decide how you want that experience to turn out. Shape you or Kill you (by kill I meant kill your soul and spirit).
I know this was such a long read. I do hope it was worth it. I’ll love to know your biggest takeaway from this.
Feel free to leave a comment or Dm me on Instagram @kebujoy or Twitter @goddessjhayy.
Sending an abundance of love, joy and favor your way and thank you for reading.